Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Stem cells? It's about time

I don't like people driving down the road chit-chatting on cell phones as much as the next guy. These fools endanger everyone's life to urgently discuss the swirly foam shape in their lattes. But lately everyone has been up in arms, talking about how to stem cells. John Kerry mentioned it 20 times at the DNC--saying when he is in office he fully intends to stem cells. I think it's a worthy cause, so I came up with a few of my own ideas on the whole stem cells issue.

To stem cells, you gotta go right to the source. What is it in DNA that makes some people want to talk, chat, guffaw, trade hot air, evangelize, cry woot!, and bluster about? Find that out, my friend, and you have the key to stemming cells. Luckily, we've got the human genome mapped, so it ought to be simple to diff politician DNA, for example, with software engineer DNA.

Once the DNA smithy's locate the proper gene and sweater combo, they will need to preemptively X-out the talkative/senseless part, replacing it with pensive, type-quiet, still-water-runs-deep personality. This might be a little controversial, but I think they need to zap the yap-gene while the egg is still in the blastocyst phase, before the embryo has developed arms, legs or other organs. I know this sounds cruel, but you can't risk waiting for the embryo to grow a mouth--by then it's all over. Depending on the parents and hereditary factors, it might even be necessary to turn on the 'small ears' switch. It's been proven that people with small ears have to strain more to hear and say "Huh?" a lot, reducing their tongue-flapping frequency by 25%.

The DNA approach stems cells at the source, but we can go even further and stem cell sales. Cells are entirely too cheap. They often sell for less that the cost of the raw materials used to make them. That used to be called 'dumping' in the 80's, but for some reason it's okay now--maybe because Japan's economy has been in the dumps for the last 15 years? It's time to stem sales of cells, no more sales..you have to pay full price. Watch how that'll stem cells.