Sunday, October 10, 2004

Kerry-Edwards on Technology

Reallocate spectrum for wireless phone networks
Kerry: “The potential for Wi-Fi networks and other technologies that could operate in unlicensed spectrum is limitless.”
  • On the advice of the French, Kerry would also like to convert televisions to the SECAM standard and electricity 240V/50Hz. Said Kerry, “Bush has frequently ignored the international community on frequency issues. No wonder the world hates us. I’m a natural oscillator, so I think I’m much more qualified to make decisions with intellectual vacillation.”

Achieve high-speed Internet access for all Americans
Edwards: “I believe we must achieve high-speed Internet access for all Americans, and I support ensuring families have the tools to keep spam and inappropriate material away from their children.”

  • When asked what he would do with all that spam, Edwards noted the School Lunch program has been underfunded for quite a few years. Slipping into his North Carolina vernacular Edward’s said, “I think between guvment cheese and guvment spam, we can feed a lot of hungry chillun’s.”

Invest in high-speed commuter rail & double-dip benefits
Kerry: “Wherever possible, we should aim at double- or triple-dip investments that spur the economy, increase future productivity, and improve our quality of life. What better time to get moving [on] projects like high-speed rail for commuters and for profitable intercity routes in places including the Boston-Washington corridor and a Portland-Seattle route? Why should we continue to lag behind France and Germany in transportation technology?”

  • It figures Kerry would be in favor of double and triple dipping, it complements his double and triple flips. I’m a big believer in bougie trains, I hear the French have the best.

Chief information officer to digitize federal government

  • Unbeknownst to Kerry, the Democrats decided to start digitizing the federal government several years ago. You see, both Kerry and Edwards are robots. But please don’t tell them-- that knowledge could cause severe internal oscillations…I mean *more severe*.

Promote internet via Congressional Internet Caucus
Kerry and Edwards are members of the Congressional Internet Caucus

  • Along with Al Gore, they continue to invent the Internet, which is now up to version 6.1. The caucus provides a “bicameral, bipartisan forum for Internet concerns to be raised." Too many bi’s and too much caucus for my taste.

Fund nanotechnology research & development
Kerry sponsored the 21st Century Nanotechnology Research and Development Act

  • Kerry is a nano-tech guineau pig. “Yeah, they inject the little buggers in me all the time, everyone thinks it's Botox. But so far, they’ve just turned me orange…some kind of rust problem.”

Friday, October 08, 2004

Airline bougie train, concept

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Funny monkey

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

We have an urgency

This is a critical juncture, because we only use the word juncture when it’s really critical to get your attention.

Now that you are listening, we have an urgency.

There’s a time to fan the flames and a time to fight fires, and this is one of those times.

Please pull it together because, separate, we all fall apart.

The clock is ticking, and we can’t make it stop.

It’s up to you to make it happen, like the last time.

Once you’ve set the bar, we can only set it higher.

It’s important we sync up on this issue. I have half past two.

We’re light years ahead, which means all your family and friends back on Earth are dead now.

I’m happy to say too happy am I.

We’ll succeed, or you’ll die trying.

I’m right behind you every step of the way.

We divided the problem in half and got two problems.

What a team! How does that one blind guy follow right behind the other blind guy?

It’s been signed off, checked off, crossed off, taken off, put off, left off, sawed off, laughed off, wrote off, and now finally, pulled off.

We still have options…I saw this once on a MacGyver episode...

It’s time to change direction and hit the ground running.

The sky’s the limit so let’s reach for the stars.

Let’s get crackin’. Where’d we put the whip?

It's a no-brainer, that's why we hired you.

The straight and narrow of it is, we're in dire straits.

In the ideal world, we wouldn’t say ‘in the ideal world’.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

Not Invented Here Society’s (NIHS) Best Practices

  • Don’t write code that can be shared between more than one project – there’s no job security in that. Hiring more software engineers is good for the economy. Don’t even look for an existng solution to your problem—that’s like admitting you’re incompetent.
  • There’s no bug-free technology. We actually believe in inventing a lot of very difficult bugs. We find it keeps our debugging skills sharp and QA doesn’t get complacent.
  • Keep irregular work hours – it looks much better to management if we stay until 8pm every night. No one notices we drag in around 11am, take lunch at 11:30am, play games from 3-4pm, hold the fantasy football trade meetings from 5-6pm, and eat dinner from 6-7pm.
  • Constantly complain about long hours and the ‘sweat shop’ environment at work. Suggest a task force be formed to study why each project ends in ‘crunch mode’. Make sure you or another member of the NIHS is on the task force. Your job is to direct the investigation away from the fact that many bugs are created for each line of code written. Instead, talk about the constantly changing requirements and lack of ‘resources’.
  • If you ever hear rumors of executives thinking about external technology, it’s time to mobilize the troops. The key phrase here is ‘executives thinking’…it’s an oxymoron. Make your fellow programmers aware of the situation-- the idiots are at the gates again, trying to destroy your beautiful creation with cheap imitation software that doesn’t even follow internal coding standards. If that doesn’t get people going, tell them the next step is to move their jobs to India, or even worse, Indiana.
  • Fight metrics at every turn – you can’t measure the art of programming, you can’t quantify programming productivity, so don’t let anyone try. If a manager asks you to estimate a task, make sure you pad for debugging time (got to create those bugs), ramp up time (try to use a new language or API whenever possible to maximize this parameter), code review time (focus on style not logic), mentor time (teach new programmers to obfuscate their code properly), and refactoring time (don’t do anything right the first time, programming is an iterative endeavor).
  • Remember, program managers are like mushrooms—keep them in the dark and feed them bull shit.