Sunday, October 10, 2004

Kerry-Edwards on Technology

Reallocate spectrum for wireless phone networks
Kerry: “The potential for Wi-Fi networks and other technologies that could operate in unlicensed spectrum is limitless.”
  • On the advice of the French, Kerry would also like to convert televisions to the SECAM standard and electricity 240V/50Hz. Said Kerry, “Bush has frequently ignored the international community on frequency issues. No wonder the world hates us. I’m a natural oscillator, so I think I’m much more qualified to make decisions with intellectual vacillation.”

Achieve high-speed Internet access for all Americans
Edwards: “I believe we must achieve high-speed Internet access for all Americans, and I support ensuring families have the tools to keep spam and inappropriate material away from their children.”

  • When asked what he would do with all that spam, Edwards noted the School Lunch program has been underfunded for quite a few years. Slipping into his North Carolina vernacular Edward’s said, “I think between guvment cheese and guvment spam, we can feed a lot of hungry chillun’s.”

Invest in high-speed commuter rail & double-dip benefits
Kerry: “Wherever possible, we should aim at double- or triple-dip investments that spur the economy, increase future productivity, and improve our quality of life. What better time to get moving [on] projects like high-speed rail for commuters and for profitable intercity routes in places including the Boston-Washington corridor and a Portland-Seattle route? Why should we continue to lag behind France and Germany in transportation technology?”

  • It figures Kerry would be in favor of double and triple dipping, it complements his double and triple flips. I’m a big believer in bougie trains, I hear the French have the best.

Chief information officer to digitize federal government

  • Unbeknownst to Kerry, the Democrats decided to start digitizing the federal government several years ago. You see, both Kerry and Edwards are robots. But please don’t tell them-- that knowledge could cause severe internal oscillations…I mean *more severe*.

Promote internet via Congressional Internet Caucus
Kerry and Edwards are members of the Congressional Internet Caucus

  • Along with Al Gore, they continue to invent the Internet, which is now up to version 6.1. The caucus provides a “bicameral, bipartisan forum for Internet concerns to be raised." Too many bi’s and too much caucus for my taste.

Fund nanotechnology research & development
Kerry sponsored the 21st Century Nanotechnology Research and Development Act

  • Kerry is a nano-tech guineau pig. “Yeah, they inject the little buggers in me all the time, everyone thinks it's Botox. But so far, they’ve just turned me orange…some kind of rust problem.”